Imperfectly Perfect

Today, parents are bombarded with information regarding the “best ways to parent.” Whether it’s advice from friends and family, or simply skimming the Internet, all of the conflicting recommendations and research can feel overwhelming and flat out confusing. Living in the Bay Area in 2016, where there is a culture of striving and perfecting, we are especially prone to social pressure to “be the best” in whatever we are doing.  But what happens when you can’t be the best at the most important job of your life? Moreover, what happens when “being good enough” falls short? 

Over the past several years, I cannot tell you the number of times I have sat across the room from a loving, present parent, and listened as they express heartbreak over their seeming inability to parent their child.  Their child carries an autism diagnosis, and no amount of advice, literature, or self-help has adequately prepared them for this challenge. The pervasive nature of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), no matter how much you love and adore your child, can cause unique challenges to a family system. What feels intuitive often backfires. Fail-safe behavioral strategies and techniques you’ve been taught seem inconsistent at best. You feel powerless to help your child. You feel far from “the best.” You don’t even feel close to “good enough.”

These parents, who are just beginning to grieve the loss of what was supposed to be their life, cannot afford to stop or even slow down. With the news of the diagnosis, they are expected to become their child’s best advocate and best treatment coordinator. From finding the right school placement to enrolling in the best treatments and therapies, their life and the life of their family, begins to revolve around this simple fact: their child has ASD. Self-care? Romance and intimacy with your partner? Those are put on hold. Long-term hopes and dreams? Those will have to wait.

The problem is, the waiting can feel like forever. The changes seem to move at a snail’s pace. As hard as you try to “live in the present and notice the littlest changes”, it may feel like you can’t. This is your child. This is your job. It is up to you to make them feel safe, feel loved, and feel happy, and it feels heartbreaking when it seems like you can’t.

This isolation and pressure can be crushing for parents, caregivers, and loved ones, especially in a society where “good enough” really isn’t good enough. So where do we go from here?

I have had the privilege of witnessing many of these parents find their new normal. Even better, I have been there as many parents find a higher acceptance of their unique family experience and find joy along the ride. As parents let go of prior expectations and openly admit their own vulnerability, they are freed to get the help they need. Parents may begin to reinvest in their own health and personal relationships. With this newfound strength and support network, they start to feel empowered to learn how to enter their child’s world. Rather than striving to “best the best” they accept that there is no one-way to perfect this job. And, when all the external pressures fade away, parents may begin to notice unexpected and hidden gifts of their own experience and of their child.

 I am often left in awe of strength and courage displayed by these parents. These mothers and fathers inspire me to let go of my own expectations and needs to be perfect and encourage me to be real, raw, and vulnerable. In this culture of perfection, the reminder that we do in fact need one another and that we are beautifully, imperfectly, perfect, gives me hope.

Written by: Jennifer Berry Wang, M.A.

Registered Marriage and Family Therapy Intern (IMF 81462)

Supervised by Dr. Valerie Sher, Ph.D. (PSY 23292)